On September 22, 2007, Jeff* left. We were given two hours to bring him to DCS a few days earlier than the two weeks we were supposed to have. I took him to moms. To say bye. Greg left work and headed our way. I rushed to our house to pack his clothes and gather his books and toys he had collected from the 13 months he had been ours. I rushed back to spend time with him, as much time as I had. I cried the whole two hours. I’m crying now as I think of it. You see, I’ve tried for all these years since to not feel it. To lock it up and not think about it anymore. But I’m working on that, always progressing, always growing from this place of brokenness. But this week I lost him again- because I can’t find him. His mom is gone from her Facebook and her blog is gone and I don’t understand it. And I am afraid.
The first two years he was gone we had no contact at all with his family. We couldn’t find them, then when we did, couldn’t get a response.
In truth, I don’t blame her, if I was his mom I would hate me. When she did start writing me back I can’t put word labels on my gratitude. Just to know he was doing okay, just to have a mental image of his life now, without us. Just to hear something, anything. And she was gracious to write back several
times. She even sent me pictures twice! And now I’ve lost track of them. And my heart just breaks again. I didnt realize how much stock I was putting in that blogger site and email address.
I just miss that boy. He was just a baby really at 2 and 3 years old and I didn’t know what in the world I was doing or how to be a mom. I knew he was afraid of the world and trusted no one. I knew he has been hurt, deeper than the broke bone and bruises we could see. I knew he didn’t understand what he had been through and those big blue eyes were the saddest I’ve still yet ever seen.
I loved him, the first time I loved as a mother. It was the most astounding, intense love I hadn’t expected or known to expect. I think now what it would be like to foster again. And how much more ready I would be for that kind of love, now that I’ve loved him and all my amazing kids. But then, I didn’t know.
I don’t know that I have a reason for telling you this, today. But maybe to say- hey, my heart is hurting, and it’s only a little easier six years later. And if you are a praying sort of person, say a prayer for “Jeff” and his mom, that they are safe and well. And that perhaps we can get in contact with them again. And maybe say a few prayers for the half a million children in the US foster care system and the millions across the world. May the Lord bring the fatherless to families.
*Name changed. Just in case 😉