So, because I love personality tests and I am an explorer of self-awareness, I know that I long for authenticity. Because I also study people, I think many of them also long for authenticity.
Why, though, are there some that are so dishonest? Some who perhaps dont even know themselves fully and live every day wearing layers of masks for the world?
I’m not sure I understand how someone goes about being duplicitous. How they can present themselves as one thing but in reality are nothing like that false narrative. How they can put on an identity that does not exist.
For many years, I have questioned things directly and indirectly. I have worked hard to understand and dig deep into shallow ponds and earn affections of several who I could not ever figure out how to relate to.
But lately, I’ve become untethered to that; to the need to be understood and loved by those determined to hate me. I’ve become free of the confusions and lies. I’ve become aware of truths long-since hidden and I can fully see now what was there all along. Years and years of scales have fallen away.
What happens when you’re so outside the cult that you can see with wide eyes the insanity of those who send you messages about what God told them you’re supposed to do (not how it works, folks). In what regular world does someone who has barely spoken to you in a year or more, with questionable beliefs and standards, think it is a good idea to send you crazy religious messages about what you’re supposed to be doing with your life they arent even a part of? Or someone who is supposed to know you in the top 3 best of everyone convince you they have no agenda with an extreme agenda full of their feelings and ideas and standards put on you, sadly also under duplicity and lies they’ve been convinced of. The world I find myself on the fringe of here is mind-blowing from outside the ring. I find all of this more inauthentic than I can even express. More disturbing than I have yet found the words for. The best part though, you see, is that I’m outside of it. I’m free. I’m no longer in darkness. No longer in the half truths and lies and double speak.
What becomes when you realize what you’ve done to earn love was never going to be successful is you celebrate. Because the truth is always joyous, the real and raw, nitty gritty of life is so much better than a false narrative. The hard and shitty stuff is better than fluffy and fake. Every. Single. Time.
Then magically, inexplicably someone steps into your life who is more authentic than anyone you’ve ever known. And he fights to meet you on your level, mend your broken places, accept your truths and wounds, listen to your fears and angst, understand you naturally and finds you easy to love…and works hard every day to convince you that you are. 100 days in to this reality and you find you’re changed in more ways than you could have imagined. A real love. A real heart. A real person again.
And the flames cant turn where the fires already burned So here is where I’m free