i am so inconvenient

I am sorry

so sorry
my hurt
my trauma
my pieces
makes things messy
for you.

so sorry I have feelings
and needs
and desires
and a life
before we met.

So sorry
the passion you loved on your pillow
the robot moves I’ve done for peace you rejected
the role I played for you
the depth I offered you
in the morning
lead to a piercing pain
and passion displaced
and fire
and flame
and fear
and fawning
and fierce fierce feelings

I am so inconvenient.

I am so inconvenient.
And haven’t I always been?
I needed
I felt
I could never control my heart
never could control my fucking heart

I control my hands
my mouth
my face
my limbs
but never my heart

I am so inconvenient
I ask for
honesty
consideration
truth
authenticity

sometimes, your thoughts
to see
to hear
to know
you

to KNOW you

how dare I, inconvenient and broken girl
how dare I want to know A MAN
for it to be real
for it to be true
for it to be safe
how dare I want to know A MAN
to see him and know his heart and know his face and hold his hand
to have a home in someone
how dare I, inconvenient and broken girl
want a place to POUR all of this
all of this
I was never allowed to give
I was never able to give in safety
I was never able to offer without hesitation

inconvenient girl,
your pieces are too sharp
they shred
and they are work
to piece – to piece is to work
to give is to work
to listen is to work
to hold you together is so. much. work.
and you are too much
you are not worth the risk
you are too inconvenient
and we do not have the time
the strength or the desire to work
for you
for you to heal, for you to have safety,
for you to see if love can be real
to know us at our depths
to be invited in and taught
to grow with you

ignore our promises, though we will continue to offer
we love to say the words you need
to watch your face when we break down your walls
but
just give us the tiniest piece of you
the easy to digest piece
the laughing one
the silly one
the strong one
the robot who never tires
the feral cat
the clever girl
but
we don’t want your heart, girl
we want the bit between your legs
the head thrown back laugh
the way we feel seen with you
the way you open us up
that smile, god that smile
and your eyes, do you know your eyes are ‘gorgeous’ girl
the work you do to keep life smooth
the sacrifices you make

but that is all of your worth, girl
as it was in your youth- and your marriages-
your worth is so small and defined by other…
and your fucking heart is a huge inconvenience

Rachel M. Throp

I have always felt too much. From my first memories around four years old to this very morning. This fucking heart. Inconvenient as hell. And yet here. -R.